Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
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[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen