*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
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I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking