In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
accurate
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.