I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
You Might Also Like
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door