[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February