Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
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*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING