Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
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Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day