My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
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[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.