Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Y’all know who you are.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.