@bourgeoisalien: I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you're an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
@bourgeoisalien: Thanks for telling me I'm really funny 'for a girl.' You're really stupid for a human.
@bourgeoisalien: When I die, I'm donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
@bourgeoisalien: Having a kid is great because it's basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
@bourgeoisalien: I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he's been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
@bourgeoisalien: I want a bouncy house at my funeral. And I want to be in it, too. When all my friends jump, my lifeless body will bounce with them. What fun
@bourgeoisalien: serious question: when someone's telling you a horrible story and they're crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
@bourgeoisalien: I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
@bourgeoisalien: man: you're beautiful
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i'm dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single