Funny Tweeter

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Page of bourgeoisalien's best tweets

@bourgeoisalien : I sign all my coworker's birthday cards, "Please know, this does not mean we're friends" just to avoid any future awkwardness.

@bourgeoisalien: First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop...laugh harder. This is good advice

@bourgeoisalien: Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

@bourgeoisalien: The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

@bourgeoisalien: can't believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it's so obvious

@bourgeoisalien: me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that's ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

@bourgeoisalien: very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren't married I had to explain why they're both going to hell

@bourgeoisalien: Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

@bourgeoisalien: if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won't bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot