Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bourgeoisalien's best tweets

@bourgeoisalien : me: i should go to sleep brain: read every political tweet that's ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

@bourgeoisalien: very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren't married I had to explain why they're both going to hell

@bourgeoisalien: Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

@bourgeoisalien: if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won't bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

@bourgeoisalien: I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you're an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

@bourgeoisalien: Thanks for telling me I'm really funny 'for a girl.' You're really stupid for a human.

@bourgeoisalien: When I die, I'm donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

@bourgeoisalien: Having a kid is great because it's basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

@bourgeoisalien: I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he's been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

@bourgeoisalien: I want a bouncy house at my funeral. And I want to be in it, too. When all my friends jump, my lifeless body will bounce with them. What fun