Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bourgeoisalien's best tweets

@bourgeoisalien : cat 911: hello cat: i need to report a murder cat 911: kevin, is this you again cat: yes cat 911: what did we tell you kevin cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

@bourgeoisalien: I sign all my coworker's birthday cards, "Please know, this does not mean we're friends" just to avoid any future awkwardness.

@bourgeoisalien: First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop...laugh harder. This is good advice

@bourgeoisalien: Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

@bourgeoisalien: The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

@bourgeoisalien: can't believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it's so obvious

@bourgeoisalien: me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that's ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

@bourgeoisalien: very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren't married I had to explain why they're both going to hell