@bourgeoisalien: I'm sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.
@bourgeoisalien: probably the most valid reason to have a kid is if you ever wanted to watch another person take 2 hours to eat 5 apple slices
@bourgeoisalien: cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
@bourgeoisalien: I sign all my coworker's birthday cards, "Please know, this does not mean we're friends" just to avoid any future awkwardness.
@bourgeoisalien: First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop...laugh harder. This is good advice
@bourgeoisalien: Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
@bourgeoisalien: The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair