You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
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I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
This is me
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
#inspiration #foodforthought
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills