Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of briancthayer's best tweets

@briancthayer : Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

@briancthayer: *buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

@briancthayer: Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

@briancthayer: I've been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

@briancthayer: Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

@briancthayer: *mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I'm 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

@briancthayer: I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

@briancthayer: Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here's an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

@briancthayer: *gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I'm sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN'T FIX THIS MESS

@briancthayer: [Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I'm at 10% and it's only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*