@brittwastaken: Me: this weed is shit
*Fifteen minutes later*
Me: I wonder what this window tastes like
@brittwastaken: I'm all about the sex, drugs and rock n' roll until about nine because that's cocoa time.
@brittwastaken: If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?
@brittwastaken: My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple's Facebook account.
@brittwastaken: Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won't tolerate their brand of bullshit.
@brittwastaken: Want a way to lose weight? Swap the sugar in your coffee for cocaine. All the tachycardia and sweating, none of the calories.
@brittwastaken: I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.
You, a muffin, remain motionless.
@brittwastaken: I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.
-The inventor of massage
@brittwastaken: Soccer mom:Is that apple organic?
SM: I hope you know the pesticides they spray on those will kill you.
Me:*slowly licks apple*