Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of brittwastaken's best tweets

@brittwastaken : There's only two ways to do things: the easy way or the way I'm actually going to end up doing it.

@brittwastaken: Me: this weed is shit

*Fifteen minutes later*

Me: I wonder what this window tastes like

@brittwastaken: I'm all about the sex, drugs and rock n' roll until about nine because that's cocoa time.

@brittwastaken: If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?

@brittwastaken: My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple's Facebook account.

@brittwastaken: Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won't tolerate their brand of bullshit.

@brittwastaken: Want a way to lose weight? Swap the sugar in your coffee for cocaine. All the tachycardia and sweating, none of the calories.

@brittwastaken: I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.

You, a muffin, remain motionless.

@brittwastaken: I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage

@brittwastaken: Soccer mom:Is that apple organic?
Me:No idea.
SM: I hope you know the pesticides they spray on those will kill you.
Me:*slowly licks apple*