I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar