If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
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I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose