Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
🙁
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table