I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
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Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
*weighs self after shaving
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.