The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
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Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’