no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
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I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”