Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
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i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.