I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
You Might Also Like
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.