So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
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Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons