Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
You Might Also Like
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.