I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
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Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Natural selection at its finest