I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”