Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of captainkalvis's best tweets

@captainkalvis : me: i'd like to make a reservation for 2 at 6:00 pm employee: sir, this is a McDonald's me: oh my bad. i'd like a McReservation for 2 at 6:00 pm employee: perfect, see you then

@captainkalvis: me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

@captainkalvis: Date: maybe go easy on the salt

*i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt*

Me: but what if there's a slug in my stomach

Date: *trying* then you'd only need a little

Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs

@captainkalvis: Friend (dumb, annoying): christmas was stolen from a pagan holiday by the Christians

Me (brilliant, well-read): actually, it was stolen by the Grinch but he gave it back

@captainkalvis: Him: how old are you?

Me: *holding up fingers* this many

Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?

@captainkalvis: [I uppercut a news guy in his stupid face on live television]

Me: say it

Anchor: t-t-tune in tomorrow for more hard hitting journalism

@captainkalvis: Her: i think taking care of your teeth is super important.

Me: *nodding* i like having teeth because then i can always taste my skeleton.

@captainkalvis: Me: *loudly* why is everyone here a goth

Wife: quiet down you're interrupting the funeral

Me: *whispering* why is everyone here a goth

@captainkalvis: Priest: I will now dip the child in the Holy Water

Me (just watched a hot dog eating contest): That makes em go down your throat faster

@captainkalvis: ME: let's go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i'm getting pancakes