@captainkalvis: Priest: I will now dip the child in the Holy Water
Me (just watched a hot dog eating contest): That makes em go down your throat faster
@captainkalvis: ME: let's go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i'm getting pancakes
@captainkalvis: [my dog runs up to me, bone in his mouth]
you better stop bringing these back, we’ve got like 200 more to dispose of
@captainkalvis: ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning
ME: *pointing at the sky* DON'T. YOU. DARE.
@captainkalvis: CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please
CUSTOMER: and make it quick
ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU
@captainkalvis: WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!
ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
@captainkalvis: DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful
ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
@captainkalvis: [engagement party]
brother: show us the ring!
me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married
her: i just wish our relationship was a little more... spontaneous
me (holding a lighter to the table cloth): ive got just the thing