Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of captainkalvis's best tweets

@captainkalvis : shaved ice implies the existence of hairy ice

@captainkalvis: executioner: any last words

me: yes, I wish murder was legal

my genie: [appears] your wish is my command

executioner: you’re free to go

me: [getting up] haha hell yes

executioner: [stabs me as I leave] idiot

@captainkalvis: dexters lab creator: ok so he's a boy genius

executive: ok

creator: who hates his sister

executive: is that it?

creator: [sweating] and uh... has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has

executive: SOLD

@captainkalvis: me: i want a gun

Chuck E Cheese employee: sir, this is a-

me: chuck e cheese, i know. but i have [lowering sunglasses] 100,000 tickets.

employee: [checks to make sure no one is looking] come with me

@captainkalvis: date: [walking out of the theater after seeing happy feet] that was so cute

me: [has a foot fetish] it was fine

@captainkalvis: cat: [running around chasing a laser]

dog sniper: god damn it

@captainkalvis: me: my hot water doesn’t work

landlord: not my domain

firelord: nor mine

me: what

waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS

me: i-i do. My hot water doesn’t work

waterlord: oh shit for real? i'll call the plumber

@captainkalvis: friend: is this tv high definition

me: let’s check. TV, what’s alfredo sauce?

TV: *rips bong* pasta frosting

@captainkalvis: [in bed]
me: can i share something without being judged

date: um ok sure what is it

me: i... i have a foot fetish

date: oh that's not that weird i-

me: *placing her exactly 12 inches from me* ohhhh yeah that's the stuff

@captainkalvis: me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes

nurse: sir if we don't use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good