Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of captainkalvis's best tweets

@captainkalvis : [in bed] me: can i share something without being judged date: um ok sure what is it me: i... i have a foot fetish date: oh that's not that weird i- me: *placing her exactly 12 inches from me* ohhhh yeah that's the stuff

@captainkalvis: me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes

nurse: sir if we don't use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good

@captainkalvis: friend: so, things are going well?

Girlfriend: he’s so sweet

[she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower]

Girlfriend: but sometimes I just-

[she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]

@captainkalvis: wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall

me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!

@captainkalvis: me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50

Date: oh dear god no

Me: *counting my money* what about $57?

@captainkalvis: customer: can i get a microwave

me: sure *wiggling my pinky* hello

@captainkalvis: friend: whats the matter

me: just found out i have a latex allergy

friend: oh shit that means you can't-

me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons

@captainkalvis: me: one shitty donut with gross frosting please

bagel employee: you don't have to come here, you know

@captainkalvis: You (someone who flips houses): I flip houses

Me (an idiot): you must be very strong

@captainkalvis: Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over

Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah