Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of captainkalvis's best tweets

@captainkalvis : Me: *loudly* why is everyone here a goth Wife: quiet down you're interrupting the funeral Me: *whispering* why is everyone here a goth

@captainkalvis: Priest: I will now dip the child in the Holy Water

Me (just watched a hot dog eating contest): That makes em go down your throat faster

@captainkalvis: ME: let's go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i'm getting pancakes

@captainkalvis: [my dog runs up to me, bone in his mouth]
you better stop bringing these back, we’ve got like 200 more to dispose of

@captainkalvis: ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning

ME: *pointing at the sky* DON'T. YOU. DARE.

@captainkalvis: CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please
ME: ok
CUSTOMER: and make it quick
ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU

@captainkalvis: WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!

ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN

@captainkalvis: DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come

@captainkalvis: [engagement party]
brother: show us the ring!

me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married

@captainkalvis: DATE

her: i just wish our relationship was a little more... spontaneous

me (holding a lighter to the table cloth): ive got just the thing