I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
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To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin