Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of captainkalvis's best tweets

@captainkalvis : [looking at a criminal line up] me: *gasps* holy shit cop: what? do you recognize your wife's killer? me: i have that same shirt [pressing intercom] #4 is that from Old Navy?

@captainkalvis: Date: I think I'll have the chopped salad

Me [just took my first karate class]: just get a normal salad *points to hand* I'll take care of the rest

@captainkalvis: DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come

@captainkalvis: [first day as a demon] *rotating my head around 360 degrees* WEEEEEE

@captainkalvis: waiter: and for you sir?

me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy

@captainkalvis: Therapist: what would you say is your biggest fear

Me: chameleon bears

Therapist: but those don’t even exist

Me: *looking around nervously* how could anyone know

@captainkalvis: you, dumb as shit: if I drink bleach it'll kill me

me, a brain like none other: if i drink bleach, my pee will clean the toilet for me

@captainkalvis: doctor: i've got good news and bad news
me: what's the bad news?
doctor: you lost your short term memory
me: and what's the bad news?

@captainkalvis: me: one coffee please
barista: one coffee, got it. and how do you take it?
me: *suddenly nervous in the face of such a simple question * w-with my hands

@captainkalvis: cop: what do we put for cause of death
me: health complications
cop: but he was beheaded
me: really complicates one's health, doesn't it