My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
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Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*