ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
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Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
no cat here
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Monday?
No. Next question.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer