living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice