can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
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God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁