The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
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Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.