I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
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your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
what day is it?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”