Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Wise advice
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards