Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
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Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse