You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
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ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
My last name is Zilla.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.