My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do