Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
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Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.