Omg 🤣
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Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory