her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
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Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.