*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
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[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?