*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
How to draw a duck
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.