Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.