ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
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While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
this is how life feels
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Welcome
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.