I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
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judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber