Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of cottoncandaddy's best tweets

@cottoncandaddy : my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

@cottoncandaddy: date: I’m super outgoing and active so I’d definitely be a dog. what about you?

me, staring out the window: most koalas die falling out of trees because they just forget to hold on, so that’s probably where I’m at in the animal kingdom

@cottoncandaddy: starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

@cottoncandaddy: I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

@cottoncandaddy: demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans