Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
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[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.