jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
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“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
me and who
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.