“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
$4 #usedbooks
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Me checking my bank balance online.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu