Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
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i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
So we got a goldfish…
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.