25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
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emergency phone
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
You know…for fall…
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Body by sandwich.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.