Don’t take drugs… for granted.
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A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Y’all ready for this
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?