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Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much